Well I just got back from my dads funeral. It's very strange indeed, I seem to float along on this feeling that he's still around and I can pick up the phone and give him a ring. Something i didn't do very much over the years. I guess I did what alot of people do, I took him for granted. But once he got sick, I tried to catch up as quick as I could.

I was fortunate, we got to have some great times on my last visits, with hopes for more. But as I looked at him and listened I could tell he was giving me the last bits of himself I was going to receive. Man I miss him.

I have close a friend who have lost loved ones and I was there to support them in a time of need. I watched my friend tussle with the realities that faced those who continue on after their loved one is gone.

But I was insulated by the fact that it wasn't my Dad.

Some good things came out of this though, I had a reconnection with family members that I, in my solitary life have wandered away from. I just wish that it wasn't death that brought us together. I dug out my albums today and saw my dad, all young and slim, with me just a little guy on a toy tractor he bought me. I was no more than three when the picture was taken but I can remeber it well.

He looked 50 feet tall and super strong and could do anything. As I viewed him in his casket through blurry eyes I remembered that picture.

At this point I'm trying to rationalize these things by saying to myself "your not special, every child if they live long enough will do this" and other exercises in futility. Because at this moment I could start laughing or bust out crying at any second so I have to self regulate around people. I'm sure this will minimize as time goes by but right now, I just what my dad back.....